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“Then Peter said, ‘Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.” Acts 3:6 (NKJV).
I have always loved the idea of Pentecost; the season the church celebrates the upper room experience when the faithful encounter the transformational power of the Holy Spirit after Jesus ascended. During this past month, I spent some time pondering the implications of Pentecost and this verse struck me. Peter and John had just experienced the powerful outpouring of the Holy Spirit and about 3,000 souls were added to the apostles, establishing the first church. Life changed.
So after this, Peter and John go up to the temple to pray when they come across a man who had been lame from birth. He laid at the Beautiful gate everyday asking alms from everyone who would enter the temple. He asked for alms from Peter and John as well and Peter said, “Look at us”. The man looked at them and then Peter responded with the above verse. I am guessing in previous times, Peter and John would have either dropped some coins for the man or ignored him. However, this time, Peter did not respond in the usual manner. He did not even conform to what other people were doing. He responded to a prompting in the Spirit to the true need, which was not money, but healing.
“Silver and gold I do not have…” which usually would have been the end of the discussion. Peter may have had coins in the past to offer but he did not this day. Things had shifted. During this transition season in my life, I have been repeatedly approached by people to do things that in the past I would have normally done. But I am not in that place anymore. I can’t tell you where the ultimate destination is but I don’t have some of the same things to offer that I would have in the past. Sometimes I still respond out of habit and then God will correct me. Other times, I am hearing Him well enough to recognize the invitation is not for me now. It has created a bit of upheaval and it is a challenge for me. I do not have a clear direction or timetable to tell people where I am going or what the destination will look like. Currently the walk of faith looks more like a scene from an old Sherlock Homes mystery – full of fog and only one clue to follow at a time – rather than a neatly planned out road map, with the course marked out in red ink, with rest stops and snack breaks earmarked, and reservations at hotels along the way. I like knowing the big vision, the goal, the purpose, and then following the moves of the Spirit on the way. But that is not where God has me now. I have no answers and no clear direction. And people around me - well meaning, faithful, and loving people - want an answer. If I don’t have one, they will try to offer suggestions for a plan of action. Which then requires me to seek the Lord and ask if those ideas are from Him or of the world. I have spent a lot of time weeding out the other voices in my life so I hear God, and God alone, on how to navigate through the current transitions.
“…but what I do have …”. Let’s be honest. Nobody wants to hear from me that I don’t know where things are going or how they are all going to work out. I don’t like saying it and they don’t like hearing it. Yet in this tight space, God has been working out some deep things in my faith walk. Do I trust Him here? I always thought I trusted God, yet I have found there were areas in my life where I expected God to perform a certain way. When things did not transpire as I expected, I was angry. Whoops! Guess I have some more work to do. A lot of my time has been spent in prayer, praise, and studying my Bible or reading other encouraging words from great people of faith like C.S. Lewis. It has been warfare! And the warfare has centered around the heart of God towards me. If He does not help our family like I think he should, do I still trust Him? Is He still good? Does He still love me? And the resounding answer, after many tears, yelling, and wrestling, is ‘YES’! And not the kind of ‘yes’ that says as long as God provides a nice life for my family, He is a good God. But the kind of ‘yes’ that says ‘I love you’ regardless of what you do or don’t do for me. The kind of ‘yes’ you are supposed to say when you get married. (Although, for many, we are so excited about being in love at the time, we don’t fully expect we will have to face the the ‘worse’ part in “for better or for worse” or the ‘sickness’ in “sickness and in health”.) The ‘yes’ rising within me has more to do with an awareness of how deeply God loves us, regardless of what we do or how we are feeling in the moment. Because what I have seen is that He is there with me in my sorrow, my tears, my grief, my anger, my confusion and even the loneliness. He is not afraid of my questions although it doesn’t mean He always answers them. He has not abandoned me in this place, although at times it may feel like it. And I have found a yearning desire exists in my heart to be with Him even when I am upset with Him. Despite all my frustrations, I want Him and His will for my life more than I want anything else. There are times in our life when we get clarity and we recognize in painful situations, that despite our disappointment and hurt, we still love someone – whether they are parent, spouse, or friend. We care about them for who they are, not just for what they can do for us. It is a realization that changes everything and it is a priceless gift from God.
“…I give you….”. Anyone who has known me for a few years, knows I am not mercy motivated. I also am not known for going around hugging people. If you doubt that, just ask my husband. Yet as God has been loving on me, I have found myself drawn to love on people when I see them, whether with an encouraging word or a hug or just a listening ear. Not always, mind you, just as the Spirit leads. I have always had compassion for people but that is not what I am experiencing now. Perhaps it is just a deeper awareness of how deeply God loves each and every one of us, perhaps it is the freedom that comes from a deeper realization of how unconditional His love really is, or perhaps in releasing God from my expectations looses Him to pour out more, I don’t know. All I know is that for years I thought I had broken that spirit where I approached God like an ATM - if I do these certain steps, God will deliver what I ask for – only to find in the last 18 months that I still had roots of expectation corrupting our relationship. Purification is a process, not a destination, so I am not claiming I have been completely liberated from all expectation. Only that I have found a deeper level of compassion and love from our Lord than I have previously experienced.
Let me encourage you on your journey through the changes you are encountering. If you are facing despair, discouragement, fear, frustration or anger with God or with things not going as you hoped, take all of those issues to God. Try to look past the emotion to see what God may be about in the midst of the circumstances. Are there old wounds that need healing? Are you developing a new level of hope or patience? Stay with the questions until you start to hear God respond. He WILL respond. He loves you more than you know or can understand. He loves you with the desire to see you become all He intended you to be, enough to allow you to be angry with Him while He continues to work on what will bring you greater life. He is faithful and He will pursue you. Look unto Him and allow Him to heal you so that you can be like the lame man who met Peter, who upon receiving Jesus, leaped to his feet and entered the temple leaping and praising God!
