ANNOUNCING....

With much prayer and trepidation, I am pleased to announce my first book is now available on Amazon Kindle, Notes From the Chase by J. D. Killian. Following the format of this site, the book encompasses personal insights, testimonies, and questions regarding my experience chasing the wild goose of the Holy Spirit and the exhilarating adventure life becomes as the pursuit continues.  A couple of the pieces are from here, most are not, but reflect the honest walk of faith, with some hope, some challenge, some love, and hopefully lots of encouragement. If you are looking for more of what you find here, you might want to consider checking out the book.  It is currently only available in electronic form.

Since the concept of the wild goose chase as an allegory for pursuit of the Holy Spirit originated with the Celts, sending out an Irish blessing seems appropriate.

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

And rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

TREAD UPON THE LION

"You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,

The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot."  Psalm 91:13

I was reading through Psalm 91 the other day when verse 13 struck me.  The previous verses outline promises about how no evil shall befall you, angels are given charge over you, and they shall bear you up lest you dash your foot against a stone.  It sounds very safe and protected.  I love the line about trampling the young lion and the serpent under your feet.  Then it struck me, for me to trample them under my feet, I have to be in the presence of a lion and a cobra, and they are dangerous.  Sometimes I am a little behind the curve.  I was thinking how reassuring and safe everything sounded and then I had the realization, I will be in dangerous situations. While God is there to help me navigate those hazardous waters, He doesn't keep me from peril.  I was hoping to be in a protective bubble, keeping me from all harm, no evil in the vicinity.  God created the world; couldn't He remove me from all danger?  Why be in jeopardy in the first place?

I recognize my paradigms are off again.  I want the safe story.  God, however, desires to build a good story.  A good story requires me to change, to trust God and walk through challenging places with confidence.  In verse 14, God promises He will deliver those who love Him.  He doesn't promise they won't have any problems or will never face danger.  He promises to be there and help them (and me) walk through the challenges.  Sometimes I want an easier answer and I forget that God is about bigger things than just my comfort zone.  I forget He wants my love and love invites risk.  He wants me to join with Him in great adventures and feats of faith and hope.  I need the perspective shift Psalm 91:13 brings so I am not clinging to my safe God when He wants me to partner with Him on kingdom purposes.

The next time I am looking to hide in the safe God, I will come back to this verse, and ask God for the courage to take the first step onto the lion and the serpent, trusting He will empower me to trample them under my feet.  

THE REFINER'S FIRE

            Recently, a friend forwarded an email outlining the process for refining silver.   The timing was perfect.  I was wrestling with why a benevolent God would allow such a prolonged season of change and hardship.  I had been intentionally choosing to trust God repeatedly even though I had no clear vision of His plan, purpose, or even the direction I was supposed to be heading.  But I was growing weary and starting to wonder if I was following the right path.  Maybe I was missing something and had gotten completely off course.  Did God even see me?  I was beginning to wonder.  The email answered my question.

            I know nothing about being a silversmith and neither did the lady in the email.  She had been studying Malachi 3:3 – "He will sit as a refiner and a purifier of silver..." – and decided to visit a silversmith and watch his method for refining silver.  The procedure entails the silversmith holding the silver in the center of the flames, the hottest part of the fire, in order to burn away all the impurities.   He needs to sit there the entire time, holding the silver in the flames.  He also needs to watch it closely because if the silver is left in the flames even a minute too long, it is destroyed.  The lady asked the silversmith when he knew the silver was fully refined.  The silversmith responded he could tell the silver was fully refined when he could see his own image in it.

            Wow!  What a powerful allegory.  I was struck by the simplicity of the message.   The email finished with an encouraging word – if you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember God has His eye on you and will keep watching until He sees His image in you.  If we look at the refining process as part of our Christian walk, what does it tell us?

1.              God, the silversmith, has us.  Whether we are in the fire or out of the fire, God is with us.  This is incredibly good news!  When we are in the midst of the flames and the heat and things are uncomfortable and we feel alone, God is with us.  When we are out of the fire, and things feel comfortable, God is with us.  He is the Master Silversmith and we are the silver in His hands.

2.              God will allow us to be put to the test and will use the trials we are enduring to do a work in us.  He wants us purified and refined for the purpose He has for us, not necessarily the ones we might think up on our own.  Sometimes, when it hurts and we start to feel life is unfair, we need to remember the fire has a purpose.  We don't always know what it is, just as the silver doesn't know what it will be made into.  We can trust our God, though, and believe we will come through the fire better than we entered it.

3.              Some of the things burned up in the fire will be close to us.  There will be parts of us - or of our lives - we may value, which will be consumed by the fire so we can move into the new place God intends, just like the silver.  Not all of the things removed from the silver are bad.  In fact, some of the elements are things we value, but they will not allow us into the next place God has for us.  The new design we are being fashioned into requires letting go of some parts that may have been intricate pieces of our life prior to now.

4.              God has his eye on us constantly in the fire.  So when we feel lost or alone, we can remember we have a loving and faithful God who will not allow us to be consumed by the fire or let us stay in the fire beyond what will benefit us.

5.              We are being refined to greater reflect His image.  The purpose of the fire is to help us greater reflect the image of God and glorify Him.  One of the great concerns for me during the season of trial by fire centers on the understanding that many people know my family and I are Christians and our faith walk a high priority.  Yet, my life circumstances have not reflected the abundant life that would draw people to God.  I have been concerned my testimony won't glorify Him.  People will look at us and think if pursuing God meant living through this much crap, they would just as soon not have a relationship with Him.  Yet I know He is working something here even when I can't see it or don't understand the method.  As long as I choose to trust God is refining us to greater reflect His image, I don't need to worry about what others will see.  I need to continue to choose to stay in the fire with God until He has accomplished His purpose.  By trusting God in the process, we can greater reflect His image, whatever our ultimate shape may be.

Yet, unlike the silver, we get to choose to stay in the fire or not. And so we need to choose to trust God despite our screaming flesh and stay in the fire so we can become the new and refined silver.  Or, we decide the process is too hard and pull ourselves out of the fire.  Silver that has not finished being refined will come out misshapen and discolored.  It will still carry some of the impurities that get in the way of reflecting the image of God.  And the refining process will have to start all over again from the beginning if it is to become all the maker intends.  So the question is – Do we trust God enough to stay in the fire?

I can't speak for anyone else but the intensity of the process is not something I would like to repeat so I will continue to wrestle with my own flesh, my own will, to surrender to God's purpose and ask for strength to stay in the fire.  I wish you many blessings as you make your choice.

"..But What I Do Have I Give You..."

“Then Peter said, ‘Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk.” Acts 3:6 (NKJV).

I have always loved the idea of Pentecost; the season the church celebrates the upper room experience when the faithful encounter the transformational power of the Holy Spirit after Jesus ascended. During this past month, I spent some time pondering the implications of Pentecost and this verse struck me. Peter and John had just experienced the powerful outpouring of the Holy Spirit and about 3,000 souls were added to the apostles, establishing the first church. Life changed.

So after this, Peter and John go up to the temple to pray when they come across a man who had been lame from birth. He laid at the Beautiful gate everyday asking alms from everyone who would enter the temple. He asked for alms from Peter and John as well and Peter said, “Look at us”. The man looked at them and then Peter responded with the above verse. I am guessing in previous times, Peter and John would have either dropped some coins for the man or ignored him. However, this time, Peter did not respond in the usual manner. He did not even conform to what other people were doing. He responded to a prompting in the Spirit to the true need, which was not money, but healing.

“Silver and gold I do not have…” which usually would have been the end of the discussion. Peter may have had coins in the past to offer but he did not this day. Things had shifted. During this transition season in my life, I have been repeatedly approached by people to do things that in the past I would have normally done. But I am not in that place anymore. I can’t tell you where the ultimate destination is but I don’t have some of the same things to offer that I would have in the past. Sometimes I still respond out of habit and then God will correct me. Other times, I am hearing Him well enough to recognize the invitation is not for me now. It has created a bit of upheaval and it is a challenge for me. I do not have a clear direction or timetable to tell people where I am going or what the destination will look like. Currently the walk of faith looks more like a scene from an old Sherlock Homes mystery – full of fog and only one clue to follow at a time – rather than a neatly planned out road map, with the course marked out in red ink, with rest stops and snack breaks earmarked, and reservations at hotels along the way. I like knowing the big vision, the goal, the purpose, and then following the moves of the Spirit on the way. But that is not where God has me now. I have no answers and no clear direction. And people around me - well meaning, faithful, and loving people - want an answer. If I don’t have one, they will try to offer suggestions for a plan of action. Which then requires me to seek the Lord and ask if those ideas are from Him or of the world. I have spent a lot of time weeding out the other voices in my life so I hear God, and God alone, on how to navigate through the current transitions.

“…but what I do have …”. Let’s be honest. Nobody wants to hear from me that I don’t know where things are going or how they are all going to work out. I don’t like saying it and they don’t like hearing it. Yet in this tight space, God has been working out some deep things in my faith walk. Do I trust Him here? I always thought I trusted God, yet I have found there were areas in my life where I expected God to perform a certain way. When things did not transpire as I expected, I was angry. Whoops! Guess I have some more work to do. A lot of my time has been spent in prayer, praise, and studying my Bible or reading other encouraging words from great people of faith like C.S. Lewis. It has been warfare! And the warfare has centered around the heart of God towards me. If He does not help our family like I think he should, do I still trust Him? Is He still good? Does He still love me? And the resounding answer, after many tears, yelling, and wrestling, is ‘YES’! And not the kind of ‘yes’ that says as long as God provides a nice life for my family, He is a good God. But the kind of ‘yes’ that says ‘I love you’ regardless of what you do or don’t do for me. The kind of ‘yes’ you are supposed to say when you get married. (Although, for many, we are so excited about being in love at the time, we don’t fully expect we will have to face the the ‘worse’ part in “for better or for worse” or the ‘sickness’ in “sickness and in health”.) The ‘yes’ rising within me has more to do with an awareness of how deeply God loves us, regardless of what we do or how we are feeling in the moment. Because what I have seen is that He is there with me in my sorrow, my tears, my grief, my anger, my confusion and even the loneliness. He is not afraid of my questions although it doesn’t mean He always answers them. He has not abandoned me in this place, although at times it may feel like it. And I have found a yearning desire exists in my heart to be with Him even when I am upset with Him. Despite all my frustrations, I want Him and His will for my life more than I want anything else. There are times in our life when we get clarity and we recognize in painful situations, that despite our disappointment and hurt, we still love someone – whether they are parent, spouse, or friend. We care about them for who they are, not just for what they can do for us. It is a realization that changes everything and it is a priceless gift from God.

“…I give you….”. Anyone who has known me for a few years, knows I am not mercy motivated. I also am not known for going around hugging people. If you doubt that, just ask my husband. Yet as God has been loving on me, I have found myself drawn to love on people when I see them, whether with an encouraging word or a hug or just a listening ear. Not always, mind you, just as the Spirit leads. I have always had compassion for people but that is not what I am experiencing now. Perhaps it is just a deeper awareness of how deeply God loves each and every one of us, perhaps it is the freedom that comes from a deeper realization of how unconditional His love really is, or perhaps in releasing God from my expectations looses Him to pour out more, I don’t know. All I know is that for years I thought I had broken that spirit where I approached God like an ATM - if I do these certain steps, God will deliver what I ask for – only to find in the last 18 months that I still had roots of expectation corrupting our relationship. Purification is a process, not a destination, so I am not claiming I have been completely liberated from all expectation. Only that I have found a deeper level of compassion and love from our Lord than I have previously experienced.

Let me encourage you on your journey through the changes you are encountering. If you are facing despair, discouragement, fear, frustration or anger with God or with things not going as you hoped, take all of those issues to God. Try to look past the emotion to see what God may be about in the midst of the circumstances. Are there old wounds that need healing? Are you developing a new level of hope or patience? Stay with the questions until you start to hear God respond. He WILL respond. He loves you more than you know or can understand. He loves you with the desire to see you become all He intended you to be, enough to allow you to be angry with Him while He continues to work on what will bring you greater life. He is faithful and He will pursue you. Look unto Him and allow Him to heal you so that you can be like the lame man who met Peter, who upon receiving Jesus, leaped to his feet and entered the temple leaping and praising God!

GLORIFY YOUR NAME

Recently I have been challenged to consider how Jesus handled moving towards his crucifixion. In John 12:27-28, Jesus says:

“Now My soul is troubled, and what shall I say? Father, save Me from this hour? But for this purpose I came to this hour. Father, glorify Your name.” (NKJV).

How many times lately have I gone to God complaining because I don’t like the way things are progressing? More than I can count, I am sure. Yet Jesus shows us how to faithfully walk out challenging circumstances in this statement. There is more going on than meets the eye. My problems are not just mine. Do I recognize that? Sometimes. If I am honest, probably not as much as I should.

I have been in a season of shifting paradigms, of responsibility yet without authority or ability to change much of what has been happening. It has been a season of trusting God in a new way, facing hardships on a number of fronts, and choosing to trust God despite the problems. I have frequently experienced the troubled soul referenced in scripture and have searched for solutions without finding the golden key to fix everything. I have prayed, worshipped, read my Bible, and yet the challenges remain. However, God keeps redirecting me. And this verse has haunted me, as if guiding me to a different kind of action.

“Father, glorify YOUR name.” It has become my default response when I have been feeling pressed. I don’t always recognize how that is going to manifest or how my humbling season will in any way, shape, or form glorify Him, but I choose to trust He knows what He is doing. Does that make my problems go away? No. But it does make my soul less troubled. It also reminds me of where the real battlefield lay. God is about more than I can see and asking Him to move as He will can sometimes lead us through circumstances we would not have chosen, like the cross. But the cross is not the destination. The cross is the doorway to a resurrected life, fully united with our loving Creator. Remembering the journey is all about relationship with Him helps take the focus off the suffering of the cross and places it firmly back on the real purpose, the new life on the other side of the cross.

I cannot say I have liked this journey. I can say it has brought great healing and revelation. Everyone wants a miracle but nobody wants to need one, right? If you find yourself in a similar situation, let me encourage you to start declaring ‘Glorify Your name!’.

THE WOMAN WITH THE ALABASTER BOX

During the past couple of weeks, I have been re-considering the story of the woman with the alabaster box. Matthew 25:6-13 tells one version of her story as the lady who pours out very costly oil (some say spikenard) over the head of Jesus. Interestingly, variations of this story appear in both Mark 14:3-9 and John 12:1-8. Besides verifying the event actually happened, 3 versions also indicate the story is significant. There are many important ideas in this short piece. Having decades of ministry experience only complicates the plethora of talking points and historical/theological concepts. Yet, currently I am drawn to what this story shows us about the connection the woman had with Jesus. A few observations based on her actions grant some insight into that relationship:

1. She desperately wanted to be in the presence of Jesus.
2. She defied the social customs of the day.
3. She poured out the most valuable thing she had.
4. She already knew the magnitude of His love and had experienced His grace.
5. Having experienced His love, she wanted to respond in kind.
6. She wanted to bless Him.

Historians have said the 300 denarii she spent on the oil amounted to a year’s wages and they frequently point to the financial extravagance of the act. Emotionally, however, I think her desire to be near Jesus, in defiance of the social norms of her day, merit even greater consideration. Many of the people at the gathering condemned her actions and some of those were even followers of Jesus. Yet her desire to be close to her Savior and show Him her love for Him outweighed all other considerations. She was in very dangerous waters socially yet she took no care for herself, but passionately pursued honoring Jesus.

Interestingly, I have also been spending some time in the book of John. One particular passage has been resonating with me, and relates to the woman with the alabaster box. John 12:42-43 tells of a number of rulers who believed in Jesus but did not confess Him because they were afraid the Pharisees would throw them out of the synagogue. John adds the rulers “… loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.” Wow! What a stark contrast to the woman who anointed Him just a few verses earlier in the same chapter of John.

So why does this matter? Because so many people of faith have obviously invested tremendous quality time in the secret places with God. And whatever box which would not allow people to acknowledge Jesus 2000 years ago will still try to keep those rich moments with God from spilling out onto those around us. Yet, we need to break that alabaster box, however beautiful it may be and however well intentioned the craftsmen who made it, and allow our overwhelming passion for our Savior to pour out. He has worked great things in us in those secret places we have spent with Him and those gifts are not just for us. We each have developed our own distinctive, fragrant oil in our time with God. It is time for those offerings to be poured out publicly to the benefit of all who have eyes to see and ears to hear. Let us approach our Lord with the same heart as the woman with the alabaster box; passionately devoted to loving our Lord with our whole heart and a brave disregard for the praise of men!

I ARISE TODAY THROUGH A MIGHTY STRENGTH

“I arise today through a mighty strength…” (from St. Patrick’s Breastplate Prayer). Have you ever had a season of life where it seems like every day requires the strength of God to get through? Where it becomes evident on a daily basis that my own strength, my own understanding, is insufficient to overcome the obstacles before me. In the changing times swirling around me, I have had to be intentional about approaching God and praising Him. I have had to function so far outside of my comfort zone; I can’t even see it from here. The whole concept of a comfort zone is a vague and distant memory. Experience tells me this place of discomfort is where God does His most dramatic transformational work. My flesh tells me how uncomfortable the process is and craves an easier answer. Fortunately, or unfortunately, some of the challenges are so complex; I know I cannot think my way through to a solution. I cannot rely on my own understanding. Instead, I have to keep my eyes on the face of my partner, God, and dance with Him over the very dangerous knives below our feet. If I look down, the fear will cause a misstep, which I cannot afford. My only solution is to keep my eyes firmly focused on the face of my Savior and trust Him to lead me through the treacherous territory.

I remember Joshua and Caleb who, while seeing the Giants, focused on the promise. I pray God helps me see through the supernatural eyes of faith while, at the same time, increasing my faith. I know many a saint has passed through these kinds of precarious circumstances to reach through to a richer, fuller life – Esther, Elijah, Paul, Mary, Deborah, Joshua, Caleb, and Ruth to name a few. I also realize St. Patrick wrote his prayer specifically to deal with seasons of life where we need to be reminded there is more going on than our daily experience. There is a much bigger story going on, spiritual forces at work on our behalf. There are also opposing forces of darkness fighting to get us to question the heart of our God. We must remember in the tight places to keep our eyes on God and be aware that we arise today …”through God’s strength to pilot me: God’s might to uphold me…God’s hand to guard me…God’s shield to protect me…So that there may come to me abundance of reward” (from St. Patrick’s Breastplate prayer). Remember there is a battle for a victory. So keep your eyes on the prize and continue to search for the fulfillment of God’s promise. Onward Christian soldiers! Let’s fight well the battle before us so we may see God glorified.